(Exploring Relationships - Interpersonal
Yoga)
Relationships
can be one of the greatest sources of tension in your
life. Yoga, which explores and releases physical and mental
tightness, can be both a powerful tool and a useful framework
when its principles are applied to relationships. One
may wonder what relevance yoga (which is generally thought
of as a self-absorbing inner search) could possibly have
for intimate relationships. Yoga focuses on exploring
conditioning patterns in the mind and body. Interpersonal
relationships are systems just as the mind/body unit is
a system. Even for those who are not involved in yoga,
this analogy provides a new perspective that offers valuable
insights on such basic issues as freedom, control, dependency,
communication, conflict, and the very nature of relationship
itself.
For years I
had been pursuing what seemed to be two separate interests:
psychology and spirituality. Through psychology I was
hoping to find an approach to the problems of intimate
relationships that could be used on one's own, without
resorting to therapy or outside authorities. At the same
time, wanting answers to such questions as the meaning
of life, the nature of the universe, and my place in it,
led me to an interest in spirituality and Eastern thought.
All the while, I was looking for a common thread, a way
of bringing these two realms together.
Searching for
a synthesis, I was introduced to a unique approach to
yoga that integrates the concerns of daily life with the
spiritual dimension. As I began to practice this combination
of physical (Hatha) and mental (Jnana) yoga, I found that
there was actually no way for the emotional and relational
aspects of daily life not to affect and be affected by
doing yoga. By applying this internal yogic exploration
to my interactions, a way of approaching interpersonal
issues evolved that offers tools for dealing with problems
without having to go outside the relationship for help.
Relationships can get so clouded by confusion, lack of
communication, resentment and mistrust that people, feeling
overwhelmed and helpless, assume they have no alternative
but to seek outside help. External aid and information
can be very useful and sometimes even necessary; however,
whether you are using outside aid to help solve the problems
yourself, or relying upon it to solve them for you, makes
a world of difference, for one builds strength while the
other fosters dependency.
At a certain
point in the maturation process, it is necessary to become
the final authority concerning the movement of your life.
Even conflicts that you feel hopelessly stuck in can be
dealt with independently if they are looked upon as challenges
to grow from. If you have a way of approaching the binds
in your relationships as they come up, instead of seeking
help mainly during crises, this will allow you to handle
future problems as well as current ones more quickly and
easily. You may actually be able to prevent crises from
developing. A real freedom and relaxation come when you
know you can count on yourself to clarify and deal with
your own problems. Doing this develops the confidence
necessary to bring to the surface underlying relational
conflicts that you were resigned to. Even little on-going
tensions affect the whole quality of your daily life.
Turning your problem's into opportunities for learning
and growth makes you stronger, for the more you rely on
your own resources, the more you develop them.
Although much
of yoga traditionally does involve reliance on outside
authorities, the approach that I am describing does not.
It teaches you instead how to use the limits of your mind
and body to transform yourself. The problems stemming
from subjectivity that make people look for objective
help (or at least an impartial referee) can never be totally
eliminated. What follows is rather a way of starting from
where you are and using your problems (anger, jealousy,
confusion, or whatever) as your teachers, to reveal the
binds at their source. This can not only eventually resolve
many seemingly inherent conflicts, but the process itself,
as in yoga, transforms and deepens your relationships.
Yoga and
Relationship
This combination of Hatha and Jnana Yoga is concerned
with discovering how the body and mind function and what
it is to be a human being. Here yoga is viewed as an exploration
that moves you beyond the habits (networks of conditioning)
of mind and body which define your mental and physical
limits. The very act of exploring opens you and puts you
in touch with yourself as a living process. Finding out
the nature of your binds can be a way of opening and releasing
them. Opening up physically opens you mentally and vice
versa, for how you feel influences your thoughts and how
you think affects how you feel. Also, the more you open
internally, the more you can potentially open emotionally
and in relationships.
An individual
is an interrelational energy system in which each part
of the body itself is a system in relation to the other
parts. The person as a whole is a system in relation to
his or her environment. Each part of the body has its
own intelligence that can be tuned into and learned from.
One aspect
of the exploration involves becoming sensitive to your
own feedback the relationship between your internal processes
and states, and reactions to externals such as diet, environment,
and people. Tension, pain and illness can be looked upon
as messages indicating blockage in the flow of energy
and communication between systems. By using yoga postures
as highly refined tools, you can learn how to open up
these closed areas. This approach to yoga can transform
your attitude toward so-called problems; instead of being
your enemies, they become your teachers. Mental yoga sharpens
the mind's awareness of its own nature. Normally we take
thought's contents and movements for granted. Paying attention
to how thought works allows one to see how the mind affects
emotions.
Mental yoga
is concerned with seeing the whole context of a process
or issue, instead of seeing from the point of view of
the individual. Viewing a situation with oneself as part
of the total picture, rather than the center of it, opens
the possibility for objectivity, even in seemingly subjective
realms. Since many interpersonal conflicts come from not
seeing the total picture, which includes the other's point
of view, this objective viewpoint is often enough to break
through the binds.
There are many
aspects of life and conditioning that tighten you, but
nothing can put you "up tight" quite like relationships.
This tensing affects your life, your yoga, you from the
way you think to the way you move and react. In a very
basic way, who you are cannot be separated from your relationships;
so awareness of how they affect you physically and emotionally
on a day-to-day basis is vital.
If you begin
to look for connections, you will see how enormously yoga
and relationships affect each other. Discovering how and
why you tighten yourself is at least equally as important
as trying to loosen up. For instance, if your mate feels
threatened by your yoga because it's changing you too
much, he or she may express fear or resentment in a variety
of ways, including subtly pressuring you to do less. This
conflict can't help but affect your yoga: the amount and
quality of your practice, the tightness you bring to it,
where your attention is while doing it. By making you
more sensitive, yoga can also affect how you move in the
world. You may find your food preferences change and it
could be more difficult to tolerate smoke and air pollution.
Since friendships involve sharing common pleasures and
interests, friends may urge you to join in familiar pastimes
that may no longer seem right for you. To whatever extent
you get into yoga, it can potentially rearrange your life
habits. As you loosen physically, you may also open up
more with others, adding depth and richness to your relationships.
Even though yoga and relationships are so intimately
connected, there is no formal yoga of relationship in
tradition. In fact, much of yoga involved withdrawing
from the world and its distracting concerns. This withdrawal,
which is not an inherent part of yoga, had philosophical
as well as practical roots that were both linked to a
specific cultural context. In Indian thought, the material
world of daily life and the spiritual world were separate
realms. Although, ideally, every aspect of life was infused
with the spirituality from art and music to the caste
system and daily activities the spiritual dimension was
valued far more, and everyday reality was considered only
a shadow existence (maya or illusion). The major
focus was on transcending the self, achieving "ego
loss" through merging into Oneness. Another reason
for withdrawal from the world was entirely pragmatic:
except for the wealthy, people had to choose between family
life and spirituality because having a mate and children
meant not having the economic ability or time to pursue
spiritual discipline. The tradition of renunciation, celibacy,
and withdrawal (sannyasa) was for most people
the only way to devote themselves to spirituality. It
was commonly held that householders should reserve the
most intense spiritual focus for their later years when,
having fulfilled familial and work responsibilities, they
could remove themselves from relationships.
Moral codes and formalized rules for human interaction
reduced the need for alertness to the ever-changing complexities
of relationships and thus served as a means for removing
attention from the worldly plane. The rigidly structured
Indian society, with castes and arranged marriages, did
not encourage exploring relationships in a dynamic way
since this could have undermined beliefs and customs and
threatened institutions.
Following rules is mechanical and therefore appropriate
only if the nature of the activity is also mechanical.
In any creative endeavor, rules are at best a guidepost
and at worst a cage. The expression of creativity must
be permitted for there to be growth and maturation in
relationships. Blindly following externally imposed codes,
or trying to live up to ideals, is very different from
using relationships to learn about yourself and others.
Forcing yourself into an ideal posture is, likewise, different
from using the posture as a tool or guide to discover
your limits and follow your energy. The one emphasizes
conforming to an external model, while in the other, it
is the internal sensitivity that aligns and moves the
body. Interpersonally, sensitivity is also necessary to
move relationships in a way that involves mutual care.
It is no accident that a unique synthesis between ordinary
life and the spiritual is now possible in the West. Because
of our technological advances and comparatively flexible
social structures, people can live and work in the world,
have children, and pursue growth-oriented activities at
the same time. A true blending of spiritual and secular
can more easily occur in a culture where people are able
to blend them in their daily lives.
Relationships as Systems
Just as a person is a system with boundaries
dividing the "me" from the "not-me,"
so, too, a relationship is a system. When two or more
entities unite, a system is formed whose essence is different
from that of the parts (whether it be a molecule, a solar
system, an organization, or a couple). When hydrogen and
oxygen unite, they form a liquid, not a gas.
A relationship is a more complex organization of "matter/energy"
with its own patterns or laws, which are different from
those of its components. The whole system influences the
boundaries and movements of all its parts. Since the laws
of the molecule permeate and affect its individual atoms,
this partially determines how they move. Once they form
water, hydrogen and oxygen atoms no longer move as totally
separate entities. This also happens to each member of
a couple.
The couple, which can be one of the deepest and most
powerful human bonds, might be compared to a water molecule.
When you open up deeply to another, incorporating him
or her into your identity, your very personality is transformed.
Your identities become so interwoven and interdependent
that you are literally no longer the same person. The
couple itself becomes a system, a whole,having patterns
of its own. The patterns of a relational unit influence
the individuals in a not dissimilar way to how the molecule
affects its atoms. No one touches us so deeply is those
we are "bonded" with, such as mates, parents,
children, and close friends. Considering the tremendous
explosive power there is in the interrelationship between
atoms, it's not surprising that intimate personal relationships
can produce such intensities as love, anger and jealousy.
People want to stay in control of their lives and protect
their boundaries. Every unit, whether a person, a cell
or a government, has a cohesive force that preserves its
identity and structure. This tendency contains within
it resistance to change. Although boundaries often have
negative connotations they are essential to the life process.
A system is defined by its boundaries,which protect its
internal integrity yet not in an absolute way, since all
boundaries fluctuate as the organism interacts with the
external world. When the outside is let in, whether emotionally
or physically (eating, for example), assimilation is always
necessary for the process to continue. Boundaries can
easily become overly rigid, however, isolating a person
from the flow of life (or the system from its environment)
to a degree that can become destructive to the individual
himself.
Relationships, like other organisms and systems, protect
and perpetuate themselves as units. When individuals unite
to form a relationship, they partially open their boundaries
to each other and intertwine, while still keeping aspects
of their internal integrity. Then the relationship as
a system forms new boundaries which define it. Relationships,
like individuals, can only assimilate a certain amount
of change at any given moment, so sometimes withdrawal
is necessary to allow a new integration. Boundaries are
permeable, and may be flexible or rigid to varying degrees.
No entity, including a relationship, is totally closed
or self-sufficient, nor is any system completely open
at every instant, since both separating from and interacting
with the external are necessary for life. A paradox of
life is that one is fundamentally alone, yet one cannot
exist outside of relationship.
Like boundaries, "structure" is often seen
as a limiting factor. A relationship is, of course, a
structure, which does limit you in certain ways. But at
the same time it can produce a shared focus that amplifies
the energy and power of the individuals involved in a
unique way. This can intensify growth, create new possibilities,
and produce greater effectiveness: people with mutual
needs and interests form organizations and groups to accomplish
their goals and increase their power. On the other hand,
the structure of a relationship could also cage and dull
you, for if the parts are in conflict with each other,
there can be great tension and wastage of time and energy.
Interaction is the source of change, while resistance
to change is fundamental to continuity. Continuity and
change are the two faces of life. Just as interaction
between entities changes them, the fact of being an entity
at all involves maintaining a thread of sameness. Resistance
to change is related to the universal tendency for things
to move in patterns and to have continuity, from planets
revolving to water running in a path downhill. A relationship
also has continuity; as it matures, roles evolve, which
are an intricate network of habits, expectations and ways
to be. Any unit - a business, a team, a family - develops
patterns and roles for efficiency and convenience. These
patterns can help smooth the flow of the relationship
and make it more productive.
A certain degree of predictability is needed for smooth
functioning, but it is also the stuff of boredom and atrophy.
This, of course, is the danger of habits. Although some
continuity is necessary as a foundation for assimilation,
too much security can dull you by stifling change. Newness
is essential to kindle interest in life, which is the
source of growth. When you're young, everything is fresh
and there's a whole world to explore. As you grow older,
set patterns emerge, regardless of whether you live alone
or with others, and it can become harder for newness to
enter your life. Since habits and specialization increase
with age, it becomes important for adults to find creative
ways of allowing novelty and adventure to enter the fabric
of their lives. Sometimes a willingness to risk altering
some of the basic frameworks is necessary.
A couple relationship can be like a cage that limits
you, if it closes you to the outside world. But it could
instead be open like a river, which by its nature allows
newness to enter and flow through it. A river has a defined
form or pattern, yet what's contained within its form
is constantly changing. The couple framework can be like
a channel which not only allows but also intensifies growth.
Couples often miss the qualities of passion and discovery
which they had at the beginning. Many people search for
the uniquely vibrant glow of new romance by going from
person to person. This, however, limits depth, for a relationship
only develops, and reveals its potential and creativity,
as people get to know each other through time. Mature
relationships can have a unique intimacy, depth and strength
that makes them as different from young ones as trees
are from scorns. The couple, which displays many of the
problems inherent in relationships generally, will be
used in most of the following examples.
Relationship as Exploration
If you approach your relationships, and the
problems within them, as a field for self-exploration,
the uniquely concrete feedback derived from the experience
can teach you about yourself and the relationship in ways
that introspection cannot. The mind has more of an opportunity
to delude itself when alone, for there is nothing to challenge
its possible errors and misconceptions. Just think how
much more readily you see what you consider to be other
people's mistakes and shortcomings than your own. Part
of thought's sly nature is to feed itself what it wants
to hear, reinforcing unaware self-interest in surprising
and sneaky ways. This is the source of blind spots, which
are all too obvious to everyone else. Relationships keep
you on your toes: whatever you put out comes back at you
in one form or another. However, while others' reactions
can always serve as a mirror, how clear or cloudy the
reflection is depends on how much the person is projecting
his own images onto you.
An increasingly popular idea these days is that in a
perfect relationship, people wouldn't limit each other
or be dependent. This is part of a general reaction against
limitations in the name of freedom. As a relationship
permeates and changes you, it moves you out of your autonomous
control, similar to the way a molecule influences its
atoms. This is why many people resist deep involvements,
preferring to stay in control of their time, emotions
and living space. How the other person feels and what
he or she wants affects you, and this makes you vulnerable.
The notion that a mature person would not be influenced
by another's emotional state is unrealistic. If someone
you deeply care for, your child for example, is very upset,
it affects you.
The nature of relationship involves interdependence as
well as a need for independence. Each person has his or
her own movement in life; sometimes the two flow together
and other times conflict arises which necessitates "working
out" with each other to see what is appropriate.
Every relationship at some point has differing wants.
There is no way to be in accord all the time and thinking
you should be limits growth and stifles individuality.
It can be hard to find a balance between sharing and having
separate activities and interests. There are no simple
rules for this, but care is the key. Hurt usually comes
from feeling you're not being heard or taken into account,
rather than from not getting your way.
To make real contact with others, it is necessary to
have a strong sense of yourself as a separate entity.
You can only allow yourself to be open to the extent that
you are also able to protect your time and space when
you need to be alone. People who have a hard time saying
"no" when they need to, or who risk losing themselves
entirely in another person, are often actually more closed
because of it. Spirituality is often presented in a way
that frowns on self-centeredness while valuing surrender
and "ego loss" (letting go of boundaries and
attachments). One reason for the spiritual tradition of
withdrawal is that these ideals don't work in relationships
or in daily life. Everyone has two aspects: a concern
with self-interest, and a need to merge with another person
or group and feel a part of something larger. Living itself
is an edge-playing between being in control and letting
go, as you try to keep your personality and the framework
of your life intact and yet stay open to change.
Yoga involves discovering where your limits are, what
you have done and are still doing to maintain them, and
how these limits affect and even create the fabric of
your life. Yoga can teach you to channel your attention
and energy in ways that open you, and expand and extend
your limits. Playing on the edge of the body's limits
in physical yoga increases flexibility, strength and endurance.
While doing postures, your limits keep moving as your
body assimilates the openings. Individuals also have limits
as to what they can tolerate in terms of hurt, fear, and
pace of change. These limits fluctuate with other aspects
of your life and depend on many factors such as physical
health and energy levels, outside stress, need for security,
and whether you're feeling cared for. Approaching relationships
as a yoga involves being attentive to the other person's
limits as well as your own, which opens them to change.
Being aware of the fact that there are limits, and that
they are not absolute, brings change in itself. While
postures (asanas) are a tool in physical yoga,
communication is a tool in relationships. To communicate
is to break the boundaries of separation between self
and other. Communication is a dance with a life of its
own that moves and changes you, an art requiring great
attention, interest and care.
Much of what is called communication is really projecting
memories and images onto each other, or talking at rather
than to the other. Deep communication is rare because
familiar or ritualized patterns of relating are less risky.
Since communication opens you and opening changes you,
there is resistance to it. The new you that may emerge
from a real sharing is unknown.
Problems often stem from not listening to each other
or an unwillingness to see the other's perspective. You
may resist listening since it might force you to see things
that would change you in spite of yourself: as you open
to hearing the other person, you could see that some of
the pleasures or habits you're attached to are inappropriate
because of how they affect the relationship. Realizing
this would make it harder for you to stay the same. Also,
really getting to know someone usually involves uncomfortable
periods of revealing unpleasant feelings as well as positive
ones. Seeing yourself through another's eyes may upset
you by threatening self-images you cherish.
Another source of problems comes from accumulated resentments,
for even seemingly petty ones interfere with care and
communication. Resentment is like a disease; it can gradually
poison a relationship if not dealt with in its early stages.
There is great danger in allowing resentment to take hold,
for the longer and deeper it lives in you, the more it
colors the way you feel toward and even perceive the other
person. It becomes a constant hum underneath daily exchanges,
creating tension which in turn perpetuates more resentment.
Physical yoga can make you sensitive enough to detect
health problems long before disease or breakdown occurs.
In relationships, you can also become sufficiently alert
to catch problems when they begin and are the easiest
to correct. Whether physically or interpersonally, not
being tuned in can in itself create problems and accentuate
existing ones to such an extent that traumatic solutions,
such as surgery or separation, could be necessary.
Many things ordinarily considered "negative"
that happen in relationships, such as anger, resentment
and guilt, can be looked at non-evaluatively as feedback
and used to determine where limits lie. "Feedback"
is one part of a system telling another part how it is
being affected. Yoga has much to teach in this domain
because refining and understanding feedback processes
are at the heart of it. Pain is one of the stronger kinds
of feedback and can be a great teacher. There are no simple
rules however, as to which pain to back off from and which
pain to work through. If you experience pain while doing
a posture, you ordinarily back off, assuming it's a sign
that you're opening too fast. But sometimes it's necessary
to stay with it instead, since pain can be a form of resistance
to opening that can be worked through. (Stay with the
pain but push not through it -ed.)
In interpersonal yoga the feedback comes from others
as well as from within. When hurt, anger, jealousy and
other so-called negative emotions occur, there are no
rules. Great sensitivity and care are needed to take each
other's limits into account without letting yourself be
mechanically controlled by the other's feelings (such
as when you try to win approval or react out of guilt),
for instance, if I'm doing something I consider important
that causes you to suffer, your being hurt doesn't necessarily
mean I should back off or change. That may not be best
for either of us, and doing so could build resentment
in me, which would inevitably come back at you in one
form or another. Neither does it mean you shouldn't feel
bad nor that you should be the one to change.
To communicate, you must not only accurately describe
your inner reality, which is difficult enough in itself,
but you must also figure out and talk to the other's inner
reality in a way that can be understood. This means asking
yourself: "How is the other person going to take
what I'm saying?" "What are their beliefs, values
and fears?" "Will this make them defensive?"
It is also important to pay attention to such things as
tone of voice, how particular words affect you, how the
other's behavior makes you feel, and how you affect the
other.
Communication is actually energy - the energy of change.
Care and interest open your boundaries as you focus outside
yourselves, and the contact between you creates energy.
The catch is that you can't force care or interest: either
they're them or they're not. You can, however, be aware
of what dampens them, such as judging, attachment to being
right, and wanting to be dominant or to be an authority.
To participate in the joy, depth and adventure of communication,
you must be willing to hear and say things you may not
initially like, just as in Hatha Yoga you must confront
your physical limits in order to transcend them.
Unraveling "Conditioning Knots"
As the body has blocks and tensions, relationships
have what I call "conditioning knots." Knots
form when two or more persons' habit patterns or conditioning
networks intertwine, "hooking" each other. A
significant clue as to whether you are caught in a relational
knot is any type of repetitiveness, which may take the
form of arguments about the same issues, with the identical
words, sentences, and even emotions recurring over and
over, in endless variations, while each side rigidly keeps
the same viewpoint and tries to convince the other they
should change. The very fact of these repeated patterns,
which are inherent in knots, indicates that each person
involved is both feeding the knot and, in ways that may
not be at all obvious, getting something out of it. The
recurrence of emotional patterns (whether intense or subtle)
is an indication of conditioning. Realizing this while
it's happening gives you an opportunity to watch your
conditioning in action and see what ignites and fuels
it.
Most couple have common themes that knots revolve around,
such as how to raise children, handle money, share work
and responsibilities, and how open to be with others.
Often you could even play both parts, you know them so
well. These knots can be like bottlenecks - they contain
volatile emotions but have no real movement. Since there
is rarely progress toward resolution of these knots, the
natural tendency is to want to avoid or escape them. When
anger and disagreement are in the air, it seems impossible
to work out problems; but on the other hand, people don't
want to bring sensitive topics up when they're feeling
good either, so most of the "working out" happens
when people are caught in the grips of strong emotions.
This greatly handicaps you, of course, just as only doing
physical yoga when you feel bad or ill would drastically
limit your practice. It is much harder to communicate
during times of conflict when you are usually out of touch
with love or care. Love is an energy that occurs when
boundaries open; conflict closes them down.
Just as tight areas need the most attention in physical
yoga, knots and impasses need to be explored to see how
they work. Physically, you may prefer working your most
flexible areas because of the immediate gratification,
yet that will create even more of an imbalance in you.
Similarly, wanting a relationship always to feel good
and be harmonious means avoiding conflict and discomfort,
which also creates an, imbalance as time goes on. As more
and more issues remain unresolved, and even unacknowledged
as problems, you bury your bad feelings and never learn
the process of unraveling knots. Here, as in physical
yoga, great learning takes place as you discover how to
work your problem areas and weaknesses. Improving your
communication process naturally makes it possible to unravel
knots more quickly. Underlying knots may be buried for
awhile, only to surface unexpectedly. You're surprised
sometimes by the things that bring them up, and dismayed
by what you may consider over-reactions in you or the
other. Such sore spots often have a backlog of frustration
and pent-up resentment that comes out over seemingly small
issues. Your "buttons" get pressed, so to speak,
and all of a sudden you're not in control. These mechanical·buttons
set off networks of conditioning rooted in unresolved
issues from the past. Each reaction pattern has its own
emotions, gestures, words, tone and values associated
with it. "Over-reactions" (a stronger response
than the event seems to warrant) can be feedback indicating
that a knot exists. The resulting lack of communication
increases frustration and tension, and can bring about
blame and polarization. Blaming and fault-finding are
ways of keeping your position firm and not listening to
the other person. This creates a "feedback loop"
that once initiated escalates on its own: the more you
blame the other, the more he or she resents you and does
things to annoy you, the more closed you both become.
Awareness is the key to breaking this kind of loop, for
awareness unhooks you from automatic behavior. By changing
your focus from anger and blame to interest and curiosity,
you begin to see the mechanisms involved in the knot.
This makes your communication clearer and less reactive.
Reactions may still occur in you, but seeing them as they
happen, detaches you from your conditioning so it doesn't
have the same power over you. This makes you more objective.
Actually, both people do not have to be interested in
approaching relationships this way for change to occur.
If just one person can become aware of the mechanisms
and stop fueling the other's behavior, this changes the
whole interaction and can break the circle.
Conflicting values are often at the root of a knot. When
there's a "miss"-understanding, each person
is usually "missing" something: the total picture,
particularly the other's point of view. The knot is transformed
if your interest shifts from self-justification to looking
for what you are missing, because part of the problem
stems from your attitude. If you can uncover the value
systems that fortify each side, as if you were a detective,
the underlying nature of the conflict becomes clearer.
Having a real curiosity about how your own values are
contributing to the knot detaches you from them, making
you more objective. It removes the conflict from the abstract
level of values and judgments to a more concrete one of
needs, desires, interests or styles. Values and criticisms
(such as, "You're self-centered for not giving me
more attention," versus "You need so much attention
because you're weak and dependent") cloud the real
nature of the knot.
People often use values to justify their desires or feelings
and this keeps them from listening. Values used in this
fashion can actually make you more insensitive. For example,
if you are feeling caged in and want more freedom, you
espouse a value system with freedom and self-sufficiency
as the ideals. Then rather than responding to the hurt
in your mate's jealousy, you discount their feelings as
either overly dependent or self-centered, and try to convince
them they shouldn't feel that way or you make them feel
guilty for tying you down and being possessive. ("Self-centered,"
"dependent" and "possessive" are value-laden
words.)
Each person may have different needs for growth or fulfillment
at any stage in the relationship. One of the most common
problems in a couple occurs when one person wants more
time and freedom to explore outside interests, while the
other wants more intimacy and time together. Each position
could easily find values to support and reinforce itself
as the way to be, such as, "Openness should not be
limited,'' versus "Scattering yourself in too many
places is superficial and prevents depth." Feeling
that your way is superior keeps you from seeing how each
stance (in this case the "external-exploratory"
versus the "relationship focused") can be valuable
for the relationship. These two seemingly opposed positions
could actually complement and balance each other: the
one brings newness in from the outside, keeping interest
alive; the other focuses and centers the relationship,
giving it continuity and depth. To achieve this balance,
each side must accept and appreciate the other's feelings
and point of view, letting go of the pleasures of feeling
superior and righteous.
Clarifying the problem doesn't automatically reveal a
solution, though it may. A knot may either disappear,
remain in an altered form, or reveal itself to be a real
"impasse." You can only distinguish a knot from
an impasse if you go into it and unravel it to its core.
Unraveling a knot often leaves nothing there, whereas
in an impasse there are fundamental differences at the
core, perhaps a basic conflict as to what direction or
form the relationship should take, that at the time seems
to be unresolvable. If it's an impasse, it becomes important
to live with it, carefully observing it and getting acquainted
with all its nooks and crannies, instead of trying to
get rid of it or wishing it away. Resisting an impasse
tends to perpetuate it. Once the rigidities of the supporting
value systems are removed, impasses can change. Exploring
not only your own emotional states, but also being sensitive
to the other's, can be a form of yoga which may open things
up unexpectedly and in surprising ways, as yoga often
does. This can allow real contact, even in the midst of
discord.
Anger and "Clean Communication"
Anger, which may be coating hurt, usually contains
an element of "getting even," a barb of pain.
When you've been hurt, there's an automatic tendency to
want to retaliate. Pain breeds pain. You may hurt the
other under the guise of honesty and openness, without
realizing consciously what your intent is. (One is, for
the most part, not aware of this vindictive aspect in
oneself.) Self-righteousness, stemming from feeling you've
been "wronged," accompanies and fuels anger,
which makes getting back at the other seem warranted.
Anger is like a loop that feeds and justifies itself through
blame. There is also great energy and sometimes even pleasure
in it, which makes it harder to let go of.
If, when angry, you recognize your impulse to get even
and at the same time realize this will close communication
by feeding the endless cycle of hurt and anger, that very
perception alters the situation. Simple rules, such as
"emotions must be fully expressed," do not apply.
It's true that if you habitually bottle up your anger
and internalize it, it will be physically harmful to you
and create a potential explosive backlog of unfinished
business. Since you cant hide anger for long, it will
come out in more indirect and insidious ways anyway. But
on the other hand, if you unleash it unawarely and vindictively,
you close the other to hearing you. To keep communication
open, there is an edge that must be played between expressing
and releasing anger, and holding it back. If your real
motive is to punish, blame or make the other person feel
guilty, he or she will sense this and close down to you.
If, however, you are more interested in communicating
how you feel and what you think is going on (including
your contribution to it), this may open the other up to
hearing you. Once again, it's not simple, for just as
truth can be used as a weapon, anger and hurt can be used
subtly to manipulate and control. Seeing your true motivation
- whether you're more interested in being heard (and hearing),
or in getting your way or retaliating - is crucial.
One might be surprised how many daily interactions, rather
than stemming from openness, are geared toward winning,
impressing, or being right. It's essential to be aware
of these tendencies in yourself because ultimately your
real intentions, conscious or unconscious, are what matter
most of all. In all forms of yoga, the process is greatly
affected by your motives and also by awareness, which
includes awareness of your motives. Where you're coming
from is the source of what you do. In physical yoga, the
most important element is the quality of attention you
bring to the postures while using them as tools or structures
to explore your body. This is also true in interpersonal
yoga. There are guidelines that may help open up communication
that can be looked on as relational tools. Although some
of these techniques are not new, approaching them from
a yogic point of view can give them new meaning.
Many communication guidelines involve giving and receiving
unpleasant feedback in a way that minimizes defensiveness.
This is what I call "clean communication" and
it is essential for working out with each other. The time
when it's most important, of course, is just when it's
most difficult: when you feel angry, hurt, jealous or
threatened. The more cleanly you express these feelings,
the easier it is to be heard, since good feedback tries
to cut through resistances, conditioning, and reactions
that hinder listening. Defensiveness automatically implies
closing down, fortifying boundaries and building a case
for self-justification. Reducing defensiveness requires
care: paying attention to the words you choose (particularly
avoiding subtle ways of criticizing), developing a sense
of timing and ways of approaching difficult topics, and
becoming attuned to the non-verbal nuances of reaction.
Sincerely examining your own role in the problem is, of
course, essential.
Staying in touch with your feelings can also help: instead
of telling the other person what's wrong with them, you
can say how what they do makes you feel. Here you're not
demanding that the other change, but rather giving information
on how they affect you. This in turn leaves you open to
their telling you how what you do affects them, but that's
part of opening up, too. In this way you can both learn
something new about each other. If you say, "When
you don't pick up after yourself it's hard for me to work
in such an environment," this doesn't imply the other
is wrong for not being neater or that you are superior.
In fact, you could build a value system to defend either
"neat" or "messy" behavior: if one
says, "What you call 'messy' is really just being
loose and natural, while your 'neatness' is tight and
compulsive," the other could retort, "A centered
person is more orderly, for how you are inside is reflected
outside." Knots form around differences when each
person, using values, tries to prove the other wrong.
It's easier to live with and iron out differences if values
don't get in the way.
How you feel is a fact, in itself neither right nor wrong.
By expressing your feelings, you lessen the chances of
getting bogged down in theoretical discussions on values,
intent or motives. You can always disagree with interpretations
and value judgments, but not with how another person is
feeling. Negative feedback, given cleanly, is an opening
that leaves the giver potentially vulnerable and thus
implies he or she is willing to put time and energy into
the relationship. Giving difficult or unpleasant feedback
can be looked upon a a gift that could open your relationship
up in new areas and smooth undercurrents of tension. Seeing
this feedback as a gift, instead of an attack, makes it
easier to receive as well as to give.
Interpersonal Tools
Here are some structures or tools to experiment with
that can open up different aspects of your relationships
and loosen or unravel some of the knots. One dimension
of yoga is creating the tools you need to work with your
own particular problem areas. You may want to elaborate
and modify these to fit your circumstances.
-
First, identify the knots by being alert for emotionally
sensitive areas and repetitiveness of any kind - no
matter how reasonable or justifiable each side seems.
-
Try to unravel each knot by identifying its underlying
value systems, noting any patterns in reactions, and
discovering what each of you are getting out of keeping
the knot.
-
Be willing to stay with an impasse, watching its
dynamics and following the fears, without trying to
change it. Just learn about it by living with it.
-
Check to see if you're honestly more interested in
blaming, punishing, or winning than in communicating.
(Feelings of relish are especially suspect.)
-
See if you can forget yourself temporarily and put
yourself in the other's place, to find the internal
consistency in their viewpoint and describe it objectively.
-
Before responding, interpret in your own words what
the other has just said to their satisfaction. This
can help you see what you may be missing.
-
Arranging "feedback sessions" periodically
allows feedback to be given outside the context of
a heated discussion. And it also keeps it from inundating
your life.
-
Writing in a journal when confused or upset can reveal
and intensify underlying emotions, and show their
connection to thoughts and values.
-
In watching your responses, it's useful to separate
how the content of the message affects you from how
you react to the way it's presented.
-
Tape recording your talks or arguments allows you
to see your own patterns and view the knot from a
removed place. It also helps you recognize complaining,
sarcasm, put downs, and blame. Listening to yourself
is difficult, but crucial, since this rarely occurs
in a heated discussion.
Life is full of surprises once you begin to live with
the actual problem at the core of a knot, instead of the
reactions and values that coat it. Often you get back
in touch with love, which has its own unpredictable problem-solving
magic. There are always potential knots that need periodic
working out. Whether you meet them creatively, or whether
you close down in the face of them, is what matters. But
there is also a risk in serious exploration: you may discover
that you have drifted apart as your interests have changed,
or that you're no longer right for each other. Yet, there's
more danger in not confronting your problems, for this
undermines your own growth and brings stagnation into
your life.
Approaching relationships as yoga creates levels of communication
and openness that are unique. Part of the process of yoga
involves keeping it new and vital by being very alert
for the onset of habits, set routines and boredom, because
when the mechanical creeps in, it can dull anything. Communication
is the key that can allow love to ripen through time.
A relationship that promotes newness and creativity while
developing the closeness and depth that only time can
bring, is hard to replace. The context of such a relationship
offers the opportunity to learn about yourself, the people
you are involved with, and the world, in a way that can
only come through real communication.
